(2018-10-25) Vagina Sausages
Shoplifting at the Food4Less takes a turn.

Food4Less Calaveras

Rows upon rows of groceries with the produce at one end clear across to the frozen section at the other end. At the back are the Meat Dept, with meat and seafood, the Deli and the Bakery. Most anything one could want, grocery wise, can be found here in this store. The aisles are numbered and well lit while the floor is scuffed in places. It's not one of the newer stores but the manager does their best to make it as clean and well lit as possible.

The checkout area numbers 1 - 12, including a few express lanes and one for tobacco. Cashiers stand at the ready at some of them and run the black belts that haul the food from one end to the point of sale area which are then bagged. A Customer Service area is on a raised dais and customers go there for check cashing, refunds, buying stamps, money orders or bill pay, or any number of things.

It was 3:30 in the afternoon when the call went out about an incident in progress at the deli counter of Food4Less. Woman, mid-50s, stuffing raw meat into her purse and up her skirts. This wasn't going to be pleasant.

Jay and Elizabeth had been the deputies closest in the area, mostly because they were cruising in their Crown Vic trying to avoid the ever-growing mountain of paperwork in the office. Jameson was driving, which means he's the one that pulls up into the parking lot with a dramatic sigh as he heaves himself out of the car. "All right, how're we doing this?" he peers across the top of the car to Elizabeth, adjusting his side-arm at his hip. "You want me to do the stop and you try to confiscate her purse?"

"Yeah." Elizabeth says, glancing toward the supermarket. "I really hope she doesn't have steak and shit up her skirt, that never ends well." She starts to stomp toward the building, glancing back once to make sure Jay is following. "Especially if it's a little old woman." She waits at the door for Jameson, mostly because if she goes first then she'll have to listen to all the people nattering at once, she hates that shit. "Lead on, fearless, I know you aren't afraid of a purse to the balls."

"Blech," Jameson looks a little green around the gills at the thought of some old woman shoving steak between her legs, breathing out a sigh as he stomps towards the door with her. "I don't get why people do this. Steal shit in broad daylight. It's the middle of the goddamn day. Don't they know there are security cameras around?" he mutters to her, then promptly rolls his eyes as he steps through the sliding glass doors ahead of her, a nod cast off to the security guard who was definitely not going anywhere near the deli counter. "If she's throwing her purse anywhere near my balls, I'm pulling you in front of me. You're just gonna have to take the hit. The family jewels must be protected at all cost, Liz," he smirks at her, before he leads the way.

Accessing the deli section was as easy as making a left down past the cash registers. It was easy to spot the culprit - a woman in her mid-fifties, wearing a dress that was now obviously filled with packages of raw meat, clocking in at a good 400 pounds. She was currently grabbing fistfuls of sausages… and shoving them where the sun don't shine.

Elizabeth raises an eyebrow and then after a minute she smiles at Jameson, a real smile. "Sometimes when you're hungry, you do really shitty and stupid things." She brushes her hair behind her ears, it's down today, and soldiers on with her partner. She tips an imaginary hat at the security guard. "Doing good work there, snuggles." Moving on before he can respond. "Fine fine Jay. I'll protect your balls, if no other reason, because you're cooking me food this weekend. I need you to be able to walk so you can do a good job."

"Oh this is going to be ugly." Elizabeth mutters, stealing a look at Jameson. "You sure you wanna do the stop? She's gonna flop on you, bam.. Dead."

The real smile - an honest smile! - caught Jameson slightly off-guard. He pauses just long enough to stare at her, before he tips his head in a small nod. "Yeah, I guess. Never been there, honestly," he murmurs, his brows twitching into a furrow as they head past the guard and straight into the deli section, where the culprit was all about those meats. Jay stops dead in his tracks, managing to swallow a groan. "Jeeze," he mutters to Elizabeth, lips curving into a small smirk at her words. "She'd probably snap you in half. Consider this my saving your life," he salutes her with two fingers before he makes his approach, one hand on his side arm and another hand lofted.

"Ma'am, I'm with the Calaveras Police. We're gonna have to ask you to put the sausages down," he says in a voice that's clear, direct, and very much to the point.

The woman, who was in a half squat as she attempts to shove those sausages between her thighs, looks up to glare at the person who dares - DARES! - to try and stop her. She's got a mustache. Hell, she's got a better five o'clock shadow than Jay usually sports. "What're you gonna do, puny?" she scoffs, grabbing another handful of meat. "Fuck you and fuck the police. The price of this meat's a goddamn rip off! Arrest the manager of this godforsaken place for gouging us good working AMERICANS!"

Elizabeth tilts her head, smirking. "Be still my iced heart, you gonna take a bullet for me next?" She watches him approach, viewing it almost akin to a comedy on television. She even hears the laugh track. When he gets a little closer, she says sotto voce, "Taze her, Jay." winking at the woman who probably heard her. "My part is gonna be easy, as soon as she's down all that meat is just gonna fall out." She pulls out her phone and primes it for a picture, sometimes I think I get the easy jobs because I'm just blessed."

The woman gives Elizabeth the piggy eyed hundred yard stare, and slowly and deliberately raises her hand to shoot her the bird. "Yeah yeah, fuck the police. Heard it before, Lady." Liz responds, still taking pictures.

"Abso-fucking-lutely not," Jay replies to Elizabeth about taking a bullet. It was the last thing he says to her before he made his approach. The woman's attitude makes him breathe out a long and exaggerated sigh as he steps forward on booted feet. But there is definitely a glance back over his shoulder at Liz, eyes narrowing into a glare. "Put your damn phone away," he snaps at her, before he looks back to the woman. "Now, ma'am, I'm gonna ask you again to put the sausages down. You're under arrest for.."

"ARREST ME?! I'll fucking arrest YOU, and your little bitch ass girlfriend!" the woman, who was far /far/ too large to move as quick as she does, suddenly digs for a line of sausages from between her legs and rushes straight for Jay, using them as make-shift nunchucks to beat him with.

Elizabeth shakes her head fondly, sucking air through her teeth. "Liar." She watches him sigh, move forward and exchange words with the woman, a gleeful look on her face. She takes one last picture when he snaps at her, shoving the phone into her back pocket, unsecuring her taser. Then the woman starts to yell, and with a speed that actually worried Elizabeth, the woman went after Jay. "Duck Jay! She's got vagina sausages!!" She giggles and moves forward, knowing already that she's gonna have to help get this woman on the ground, and then back up again with handcuffs on.

"Ma'am! MA'AM! If you don't cease, I'm going to have to use for..WHOA!" Jay manages to jump backwards when the vagina sausages come whipping towards him, the links barely swiping across his hip. The woman lets out a howl of outrage at her miss .. and manages to pull out AND chuck a hunk of ham from her bosom into Elizabeth's approach. "What the ever living fuck!" Jay growls out, unsecuring his own taser and pointing it at the woman. "LAST WARNING! Get down on the ground!" he shouts out, but the woman was already digging for more meat to throw, and Jay has no choice..

The taser goes off, springing into the woman's left breast. But aside from a shudder, she doesn't go down, and she's got steak that she's about to bitch slap Elizabeth with.

Elizabeth grunts as the ham hits her and she shakes her head, about to pull her taser free when Jay tags the woman with his. She watches, her mouth dropping open as the shock doesn't even faze her. "Impressive." She has to admit, and then wades into the fray, slapping away the steak. She manages to get a hold of one of the woman's arm, and tries to gently get her on the ground, but it's not going well. The other beefy mitt gets a hold of Elizabeth's hair and yanks, hard. "For. Fucks. Sake." The blonde growls, aiming a blue eyed glare up at the woman. "Let go, or I'm going to get you on the ground in a way that won't be fun for either of us."

Jay's jaw drops, too, his eyes widening as the taser does nothing at all and the woman tries to steak-slap Liz. He was momentarily at a loss, but snaps out of it when the woman grabs Liz by her blonde hair. And that's about the time that Jay has to think on his toes, moving to scoop the raw steak that flopped to the floor while the woman was distracted by Liz. "Ma'am! I said you're under arrest!" He shouts out … and promptly slaps the steak hard across the woman's face.

It was a good enough hit that she dislodges Elizabeth's hair from her hands, and exaggeratedly plummets to the floor in a pile of meat and body, sobbing. "POLICE BRUTALITY! I WANT A LAWYER!!!"

Elizabeth is breathless as she drops to her knees, pulling out the larger handcuffs. "Ma'am, you are under arrest for shoplifting, assault of a police officer. You have the right to remain silent, if you choose not to .." She continues talking, almost by rote as she slaps the handcuffs on. Somewhere in her rights was the right to an attorney. So Elizabeth felt that she did good by mentioning that. She gets to her feet and gazes down at the woman, watching as the employees finally started to emerge from the woodwork to collect the evidence. "Put this stuff in something so we can get some numbers and shit." She glances at Jay, quirking a brow. "Nice slap, ace. You saved my life, and my hair. Maybe I owe you one now." She plants both hands on her hips, sighing. "How do we get her up?"

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